Friday, June 15, 2007

Public Notice of Distaste for Lunatic Reporter-type

It is no secret that the Empire is fond of a certain New York-based daily which occasionally likes to side with the Crazy Liberals the Empire would probably have locked in a dungeon and tortured in a manner befitting mutineers, scallywags and other crazy-go-nuts types, were they within the caliphs' jurisdiction. Alas, New York is not part of the Glorious Nation of Righteous and Subordinate Ottomans, and the Empire is fond of reading about Scooter Libby, ex-Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, he of the Exalted Forehead, and successful, award-winning gardens in Westchester County.

Thus, we were delighted to see the most hated Populist flayed in those hallowed pages like so much white, flaky Tilapia: see for yourself, noble readers.

This Dobbs of which the author of the article speaks has long pretended to be against the "elites" while dining among them, shopping at Brooks Brothers among them and riding in long, black cars through DuPont Circle among them.

For shame, false prophet. You are not the Populist of the people!

(Plus, Dobbs' attitude about immigration is woefully jingoistic, presenting guest "experts" who have suggested concepts like immigrants have a habit of molesting small children)

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Notice of Political Annoyance

Let it be known that the glorious and omniscient powers-that-be within the Empire, totally called this thing in the land-formerly-known-as-Palestine.

We were all like, "Shouldn't pray for Arafat's death, dude. Totally, like, bad karma. And the death of one person never really solved any problems. (see: Saddam Hussein, death of)"

Bad karma, we said. Not going to solve anything, we said. Internal strife, we predicted. Because the Empire has been through it all! The Empire has seen and felt political upheaval. We have lost and then regained stability. In other words, we got this bitch.

And now, look. New man Abbas is all in there, and like, disbanding the government because of--what? what? Lemme hear you shout it, bitch--INTERNAL STRIFE. Which the Empire totally effing called, like, when Arafat died, way back in the aught-four.

So there. No solutions, only problems. That's the anthem, get your damn hands up.

Empire out.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Public Notice of Support For Lunatic Policy

Attention United States of the Continent of North America:

The Ottoman Empire wishes to evaluate your newest immigration legislation. The Empire congratulates you for adopting a system crafted on the ambitious Weight Watchers model. The Mighty Empire itself once instituted such a policy of assigning points based on certain measures of desirability for potential potentates of these, our most exalted Ottoman lands.

For example:

1 point for good spelling
7 points for hygienic habits, including one shower per month, effluvia maintenance, low instances of bodily nits and remembering to put the seat up before relieving one's self in the middle of the night
25 for being a scholar of any kind, but
-90 points for knowing anything about religion
5 points for stating that one despises the Germanic tribes, Romans, Byzantines, anyone who ever sacked the mighty Constantinople, Paris Hilton or the Picts. The Empire hates dead civilizations, because they point out something we don't like about ourselves.
12 points for owning a goat or pig
-10 points for owning any dog that fits in a woman's purse
5 points for regular viewing of the VH1, which the Empire regularly TiVos
14 points for knowing how to remove a splinter without really digging in there
6 points for being a woman, because the Empire likes to get down like that
2 points for fresh breath
9 points for archery skills
10 points for a slice of chocolate cake---

---wait, the Empire suspects that last one really is from the Weight Watchers points.

At any rate, the Empire wishes to affirm that yes, a points system worked for us. We were mighty for hundreds of years! Before being split up into European Union and Turkey, who ended up killing all those Armenians... you know, perhaps you don't want to go by us. Use your United States-type ideals to seach for the right kind of immigrant. The Empire thinks the list looks something like this:

1 point for intent to go to the mall
9 points for not knowing who Halliburton or Monsanto or Enron are
1 point for being able to name all the presidents of your Illustrious Nation State
5 points for intent to buy a big Sport Utility Vehicle
5 points for being able to cook 150 hamburgers during a breakless 12-hour shift at the Parkway Diner, OR, ability to mow many lawns and handle noisy equipment without being provided safety devices like headphones and without complaining
12 points for knowledge of how fairs the Yankees, Braves or Red Sox this season
1 point for state capitals
12 points for willingness to be exploited
5 points for drinking Coca-Cola
1 point for correctly knowing how to conjugate, in all its complicated tense, the verb to be
10 points for knowing there are 50 states, bonus: 5 points for knowing that Guam, Puerto Rico, the U.S.V.I., Okinawa Island, Guantanamo Bay and Iraq aren't included in those 50.


The Empire salutes you, United States of the Continent of North America, even though it turns out that all your neighbors hate you.

Respectfully, regretfully and wholly yours,

The Exalted and Most Automated High Upholsterer to the Supreme Motorcyclist and Chief Research Assistant to Her Most Holy Authority, Queen of all Boy Bands
Monitor of This Forum