Public Notice of Annoyance

Dear Man with Clearly Deviated Septum at California Pizza Kitchen:

The Empire thinks it is gross. Please have it corrected forthwith. For the love of God and what must be ravaging post-nasal drip.

Cordially,

The Ottoman Empire

Information Request

The Empire demands to know why talented, saucy singer Liz Phair has so quickly given up her Indie credibility and is now appearing on the VH1. This turn of events has troubled the high consuls for some time and is only now able to be addressed in this public forum.

Saucy Liz Phair, we implore, nay, command you: provide an explanation of this turn of events or stand trial for egregious errors in judgment.

Public Notice of Grammar Correction

Dear State of Texas,

According to the English language, the words "you" and "all", if they are to suffer the barbarous practice of being contracted (id est, being put into the contraction form, like "you" and "are" can be made into "you're" in this moronic language), should follow along the standard rules of contractions. For example:

you + will=you'll
it+is=it's
I+am=I'm

This, Texans, means that it is never "Y'all" (and absolutely never "ya'll," as that is even further nonsensical), but should follow the above pattern and take "You'll". But that is confusing, is it not? Because You+Will=you'll. The logical conclusion, if you cannot use the proper form of "You All" and you cannot use the contraction for it is confusing, is not to come up with your own esoteric solution which you therefore foist upon the rest of the nation, no! The Empire decrees it a sin against the very language of your hallowed birth land. The only solution is to say something else in its stead, for example: "All of you".

A fair conclusion. Those found in violation will be flogged by order of the Caliph of Adrianople. And you know what they say about Turkish prisons.

Cordially,

The Ottoman Empire

PS--If you do not know what they say about Turkish prisons, more flogging! Shame and woe to those who know not of Wikipedia's vast splendor.

Noteworthy

The Empire finds it is time to repatriate Nelly Furtado to her home planet, for the sake of all humanity.

Public Notice of Grammar Correction

Dear Justin Timberlake,

The Empire feels it is time to inform you of an egregious error against your own native language. The lack of acknowledgement and apology on your part can only mean that you are unaware of the error, and the Empire is sympathetic to your ignorance on the subject.

Please direct your attention to the "Comes Back Around (Interlude)" portion of your long player record entitled, somewhat offensively, FutureSex/LoveSounds. The Empire has noticed the following lyric included in a non-ironic way:

"You cheated girl / my heart bleeded girl"

It cannot be, Mr. Timberlake, that you are wholly unaware that the word bleeded is, in fact, in your language (English, the Empire can only assume, as most words you use, among them the (or, to you, thuh), are English) not a word. We, The Empire, assume you meant to say bled, as it is the past tense conjugation of the infinitive "to bleed," but chose the nonsensical "bleeded" to rhyme with "cheated". We do not agree as you must, that this is an acceptable stepping outside of the accepted usage; we are familiar with "poetic license" but you, sir, are no Suleyman the Magnificent, Percy Shelley or Leonard Cohen. While the Empire recognizes the degradation of your native language is widespread, the Empire does not condone any activity which contributes to it.

Thus, as reparation, we suggest you start simpler, and we look forward to your next song: "Justin Timberlake's ABCs." The Empire is interested to hear whether or not you will execute "L M N O P" correctly on the first try.

Thank you for your understanding, that we may not have to have this conversation in more "inquisition" type circumstances.


Cordially,

The Ottoman Empire

Noteworthy

To the Gym Class Heroes: the heathenous Latin god Cupid, a variant of the equally heathenous Greek god Eros, does not put people in a headlock. He runs unfortunate lovers through with an arrow, shot from his lascivious bow.

To the unstudied youth of America: It's called "Breakfast In America" and the Empire decrees that it was much better when Supertramp did it in the year of our Lord, 1979.