Public Notice of Annoyance

Dear CNN,

Every morning, before the mighty Empire has had its first demi-tasse of Turkish coffee, yea, even before the illustrious Empire has set its glorious foot into the shower, we are inexplicably drawn to the television. We use our remote control to turn on this so-called televisual radio to awaken our minds to knowledge, a worthy way to begin another day as the greatest empire in history.

And every morning, you fail us.

Look, the Empire only has, like, forty minutes, excluding shower time, to putz around in the morning and the last thing we wish to see is the likes of Kyra Phillips pretending to be a hard-hitting reporter asking softball questions along the lines of Katie Couric on the abhorrently insipid CBS Evening News. (The problem with CBS is that the ticket they gave Couric when she went to Iraq was round-trip.)

We won't even comment on your so-called "meteorologist" who never, ever, talks about meteors. The segment last week where he tailed the Yankee Stadium grounds crew was absolutely painful. We did however enjoy that he told us ("full disclosure" as he put it) that when he called later for tickets to a Yankee game, he was unable to get them. We imagine Lou Dobbs doesn't have such troubles, "meteorologist".

In summary: Kyra Phillips: stay on the TelePrompter. What's-her-name with the red hair is just as bad. Tony Harris, we will allow you to live, for now. You are jolly, and you begin at 9 am, so we rarely see you. But news of your jolliness has spread far and wide and has been observed during the Empire's "sick" days off from work.

CNN morning crew: you have been warned.

Cordially,

The Ottoman Empire

Public Notice of Distaste for Lunatic Reporter-type

It is no secret that the Empire is fond of a certain New York-based daily which occasionally likes to side with the Crazy Liberals the Empire would probably have locked in a dungeon and tortured in a manner befitting mutineers, scallywags and other crazy-go-nuts types, were they within the caliphs' jurisdiction. Alas, New York is not part of the Glorious Nation of Righteous and Subordinate Ottomans, and the Empire is fond of reading about Scooter Libby, ex-Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, he of the Exalted Forehead, and successful, award-winning gardens in Westchester County.

Thus, we were delighted to see the most hated Populist flayed in those hallowed pages like so much white, flaky Tilapia: see for yourself, noble readers.

This Dobbs of which the author of the article speaks has long pretended to be against the "elites" while dining among them, shopping at Brooks Brothers among them and riding in long, black cars through DuPont Circle among them.

For shame, false prophet. You are not the Populist of the people!

(Plus, Dobbs' attitude about immigration is woefully jingoistic, presenting guest "experts" who have suggested concepts like immigrants have a habit of molesting small children)